Day 67: Yoga X

Yoga...for some this word conveys inner-peace, transcendence, relaxation, calm, and an opportunity to escape the mundane, pain-inducing trivialities of the illusory material world to a place of eternal (non)meaning and (un)truth. For Millard and I, yoga is a place of mind-blowing, olfactory nerve-shattering farts, the awful feeling that comes from knowing we can't tell our dads about this, and mildly homosexual events ("Now, place your asses in the air and exhale slowly", "Ahhhh, that feels soo good bro", "Man, oh yeah, ahhh, yeah, that is it right there, that is the good stuff"). At first, it was just funny. "I can't believe we are doing this, this might be gay, and I'd have to ask that kid with the skinny jeans, $120 flannel shirt, and the look of always not wanting to be where he is that's always in the streetcar/bar/subway/restaurant/clothing store/place where people meet, but I don't think this is very cool. Whatever man, we are strong enough to not care about flaunting the code of cool and the irrational, perpetual fear of possibly being considered homosexual and that's funny." "Exactly Bomber, hell yeah, we don't need to care about the silly, bullshit, insecurity-driven notion of what we should be, we can just 'be' and that makes us cool". "High-five".

Now, we care. 

It's gone from, 'this is hilarious we are doing this' to 'what the fuck, we do this every week'. The initial shock that jolted our funny bones has subsided, leaving only two dude's loosening their pelvic floors causing the relaxation of their respective anal-sphincters. Two heterosexual dude's should not be relaxing and delicately opening their anal-sphincters in the same room - let alone, beside each other with their asses in the air as they moan in ecstacy. That's gayer than Richard Simmons' body-butter, glitter, bedazzled things, or a fiercely anti-gay republican. But, it's not gayer than Richard Simmons or bedazzled glitter, which is the apex of gay. So, how gay is it? Well, here's a complete, empirical list of the aspects of a homosexual encounter,

-Sweat

-Moans

-Two or more men present

-Unchristian

-Anal sphincter opening

-Abs

-Penetration

-Orgasm

We cover everything on this list except for penetration. So, science would tell us that we are 7/8ths gay. Global warming, annual increases in toxic particulate matter, the link between cancer and cell phones, and now, me being 7/8ths gay - I hate science. 

Some of you may have some concerns about the list. How is Yoga unchristian? Can't you have a homosexual encounter without penetration? These are good questions. Firstly, it is unchristian because it is an activity used extensively in a different religion. As for the second question, it raises an interesting point, does penetration have to be involved in a homosexual encounter? Well, if you walked in on your buddy getting a handjob from a trucker, he probably wouldn't try arguing that it's not gay because there was no penetration and that we should just get on with our trip across Canada because we need to get to his parent's cottage in Parry Sound in time because the other side of the Echlin family will be there in a few days. 

So, yeah, I guess we can take 'penetration' off the list. Wonderful, we are officially full-gay (7/7ths). Anymore questions about the list?

I play squash - it has two men in a room, sweating, with abs, and the occasional moan as we lunge for a difficult shot. So, given your logic, it is 4/7ths gay. 

And your point is? I asked for questions not declarative statements. Any actual questions? I guess not.

Highlights: I achieved the ultimate yoga position allowing me to reach Nirvana, which is the name of my penis - hence, the orgasm listed above. One of the worst things in P90X history occured today, Millard's testicles fell out of his shorts and, I don't want to say too much, but it was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen - they were like two cute Furby dolls with big, manly beards. 

State of Mind: It's like Barbara Streisand in Funny Lady, Liza Manneli, and Burt Bacharach are having a glitter fight in my brain. Burt's there because I'm still pretty manly. "Pretty-Manly": the perfect title for my eventual biopic.

Rating: Next time we do Yoga, i'll explain our short-comings, but we suck: P56X.