Day 65: Plyometrics

My P90X posse is growing like a 13 year-old boy's manhood in the back of a bumpy school-bus, like reality TV after Survivor, like Hasselhoff in Germany, like a war-time economy, like my love for Japanese gameshows, like Glenn Beck's insanity, like Jon Stewart's importance in Amerian political discourse, like the demand for skinny jeans, like vampire-based sexual fantasies, like the lack of care for Haiti, like the ability to think socialism, communism, and fascism are the same thing, like the belief that Barack Obama is fuckin' gangster, like the need to bring back The Care Bears, The Smoggies, and Captain Planet on Saturday mornings, like the need for condoms with lightning bolts on the side, like the need to end this list because I'm not even sure what we are comparing all this stuff to anymore, and like the need for velcro shoes to be considered cool and jogging pants with soccer-balls, foot-balls, or cats on them to be acceptable to wear again. 

We had an addition to our workout troupe today - Millard's girlfriend, Stacy. Now, she has worked out with us before, but she has not been officially ordained and brought into the P90X circle of trust. This makes today a special day - we have yet another 'Trial Private' on our roster, which is as follows,

Raj 'PoopyTaco' Gill 

LJ 'ThunderGlitter' McCleod

Stacy 'Gruber' Toffan

Like every member of the team, Stacy has a very specifically crafted nickname. Some of you may be wondering if she is nicknamed after the great SNL character MacGruber, but you would be wrong. She is actually named after the greatest Gruber in the history of Grubers. The story behind this prestigious honour is short and sweet. (Just like Stacy? I'm just kidding; Stacy is a fiery ball of twisted steel, sandpaper, jagged glass, and really sharp tacks).

During our workout, Stacy was wearing a baggy pair of joggers and a baggy men's t-shirt. The only thing identifiably female was her flowing blonde locks. For the first 5 minutes of the workout I did not notice her - she was infront of me, but off to the right. When we started to do our first squats I looked over to check her form and bam! I couldn't believe it! For about 3 seconds my brain was wrinkled -- I actually thought the great Kelly Gruber was doing squats in my living room. I almost got my Jays jersey and asked for an autograph. So, she is now referred to as 'Gruber', which is a name I assume she cherishes.

But, Bomber, why would you name a cute, blonde girl after a male baseball player - isn't that mean? Well, like I said, from behind, all you saw was baggy men's clothes and those rushing, flowing, cascading, blonde locks bouncing around. And if anyone has ever seen a shot of Kelly Gruber rushing towards first base like a confident, peaceful gazelle, then you would understand that he had what could only be described as the most perfect, flowing blonde locks. In fact, it's a compliment: Kelly Gruber had really pretty hair. He was honestly my mom's favorite baseball player for three years because she thought Kelly was a chick; his hair was that pretty. Yeah, I know, how could he be mistaken as a chick with a chiselled chin like that, but TV's back in the day were much grainier and weren't able to fully capture Kelly's overtly rugged and masculine features in all their manly glory. All you saw was the beautiful hair and the unisexual name, 'Kelly'. To my mom, he was the female Jackie Robinson. The memory of the day she found out Kelly in fact had a penis - probably a very manly one - still brings a tear to my eye. Why my Uncle decided he had to tell her this, I will never know. Sometimes, mistruths are good and sometimes Uncle's are dumb.

We had PoopyTaco and Gruber along for the ride and they put in one hell of an effort - hair-raising stuff really. They had to take a few breaks here and there as Millard and I put on a clinic of squat-perfection, but they would bite the plyo-bullet and bear down on the next exercise. 

Highlights: PoopyTaco followed our newly imposed strict rule of mandatory sportsbras. After the workout, I realized we might need some heavy-duty duct tape for next time. 

State of Mind: It's a lot easier to do it with a group of people. The seconds just easily shed away alongside all the calories. B-bam...it felt great.

Rating: Millard and I - P90X, PoopyTaco and Gruber - P65X