Day 64: Shoulders, Chest, and Triceps and Ab Ripper X

"And why do I know it works? Because I'm also a member". Today, I feel the pride, sincerity, and belief that the great founder and member of the Hair Club for Men felt when he uttered these historic words. During our first P90X workout our peppy, annoying, inspiring and somewhat creepy instructor barked out these melodramatic and sensationalistic words, "we're changing lives across this great country of ours". At the time, I thought this guy was taking himself way too seriously - I imagined this is what the Jonestown leader sounded like. It was truly cult-like, but instead of matching robes they all had on matching muave P90X tanktops. But, now, I see the light, I get it, and it is righteous and beautiful my brothers and sisters. Don't be afraid, embrace the revelation, cover your whole body in the Truth; bask and glow and let it imbue your soul with contentment and purpose. Namaste. Come forth and be annointed. Tony you changed lives across the great country of the United States - don't worry, I've got Canada covered. 

Some of you may be confused - doubtful even, but this is all a normal adjustment to understanding the groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting, life-changing, muscle-bulging truth of 'the X'. I beckon, plead, and righteously request you order your P90X tanktops for the low price of a 29.95 down payment - whereafter, you are required to give me all your possessions. Don't worry, where we're going material things are meaningless. The only possession you require are beautiful, sparkling, clit-boner inducing abs...and we will be giving you this great gift in exchange for all of your things.

The point of all this mind-numbing, grandstanding, religio-economic rhetoric is that a few of my friends have decided to start P90X. That's all. I guess I represent a pretty functional motivational tool for some. Before, when my ranch, cheese and beer guzzling buddies and I would see someone who is dedicated to being in shape, we would claim that's just not us, it's not part of what matters to us and that guy is dumb and not smart and we are, so we don't need to compensate by working out. This and other ego-empowering rationalizations were constantly made. But, the fact that one of us - arguably the most ranch and cheese saturated individual - broke off and joined the other side, caused these rationalizations to be liquidated of all their oily, greasy, ranch and cheese meaning leaving only a crusty receptacle of sorry excuses. Quite basically, 'if Bomber can do it, why the fuck can't I'. 

I found the biggest motivator to do this program came from writing about it. It allowed a bunch of my friends to know I was attempting it, creating more expectations and therefore greater failure if I did not finish. Great expectations are the material the strongest and urgent motivations are made out of. In that spirit - the spirit of trying to help - I will  list the names of my friends that are taking the P90X plunge. If you know them please send them messages saying that you know and you are watching them. Here are the following cadets of the P90X program,

Mr. Graham 'Grandpa-Chest' Echlin (What was the war like Graham?).

Mr. Oli 'The New World Order is Upon Us and Will Kill Your Babies' Squire. (I think everything Al Gore said was correct, what do you think?).

Mr. Eric 'Is a Fart Art?' Shulist (I want my art-theory book back dude).

Good luck and godspeed cadets! You will need it. Be vigilant, be aware, be alert, be strong, be willing, and above all, be 'Me'. 

We had some new additions to our work out today. They are not new cadets because they have not yet decided if they want in on the Truth. They are currently considered 'Trial Privates', which is way less weird of a name considering they are not male. We have a returnee Trial Private - Raj 'PoopyTaco' Gill - and a newbie to the beat - LJ 'ThunderGlitter' McCleod. The workout was tough, unrelenting, and sweaty. The trial privates did good.

Highlights: With all four of us in the living room/kitchen, we did not have a lot of space. At one point Raj was behind me and I got hit upside the head. At first I thought she must have accidentally smacked me with her hand, but I realized this wasn't possible because we were doing squats with our hands down at our sides. Then the awful, heart-stopping realization hit me and prompted the creation of the first rule of P90X: Trial Private PoopyTaco has to wear a sportsbra - preferably with duct tape fastened around it...at all times, no matter what. I washed and washed the back of my head, but the damage was done; I will never be the same. 

State of Mind: Indoctrinated righteousness with an unflinching faith in the universal truisms contained in the P90X.

Rating: We almost did every exercise, but hit failure here and there - P82X.