Day 54: 5K Run

My posts have become the length of a 1st year liberal arts paper - so, I promise this one will be short, sweet and sexy just like that girl in my 1st year polisci class that I almost talked to once, instead opting to play the suave 'hard to get' card, making zero eye contact as I fearfully fumbled my extra pen over to her. (Which happened to be my only pen that would have come in handy during our quiz). This particular strategy is long-term so If I happen to run into her now - 6 years after the fact - I'm definitely in. Chess and pimpin': they ain't that different. The rules might be slightly dissimilar, but the strategy of foresight - knowing what your opponent is going to do 6 moves/years from now - is the same. That's why I go out to bars - there are many women that I have been waiting in the lurch, strategizing, calculating, ready to entrap; I have made the proper moves 6 years ago and now I just need to check-my-mate all over them. 

Moving on, today was a cardio day so I decided to sub-in the 5K run. If you haven't been reading along, I have been timing 5k runs while scaring the hell out of people on Queen street. It's a race against the clock as well as my old self. Every time I run, I demand some improvement on my earlier times. My last time was 23:06. No matter what stood in front of me, I was going to beat that time. Doug Gilmour could have asked me if I wanted to drink beers with him and hang out in his rec room with Dave Andreychuk and Wendel Clark and I would have kept on running. I was a man possessed. 23:06 rattled through my consciousness, hissing, and taunting me. Fuck you 23:06, you are just numbers, I decide whether to personify you and allow you to hiss and taunt me - I am your creator, bow down to me!?

I made it to the half-way point - the LCBO - at 11:37. 23: 06 rose from the ashes of my consciousness like a cunty phoenix, ascending under the sheer power of its flapping labia. (I think I have unresolved issues when it comes to women). After seeing the time, I bared down and dug-in, but so did my blood-deprived nub of a wiener right against the stitching of my jogging pants. It had weaseled its way out of my underwear flap and was now sending powerful, pulsating, pain impulses directly to my brain. My wiener must have been in cahoots with 23:06 because it simply does not have the balls to do this alone. I was not going to be beaten - like I said, I was a man possessed. With many people around me, no time to spare, and without breaking pace, I summoned up the courage and jammed my hands down my joggers, recklessly and desperately adjusting my penis downwards and, first, attempting to fasten the button on the underwear flap, realizing it was not there, then moving onto tugging the underwear to the side. This move took way to long; about 4-5 seconds total. It should normally not take longer than 2 seconds, but I was panicking just like all the people I was approaching on the side-walk as I did this. 

After layers from the tip of my penis were no longer being worn away, the run felt great; almost easy. I starting tearing up the pavement. I was as determined as any time before, but there was no yelling and spitting and chortling, just a silent face of gritty resolve. I sprinted the last 500 metres, making up some time, but would it be enough? Bam! crossed the finish line, looked down at my watch...

22:47.

This is why I put myself through throbbing lung and dick pain - for moments like these. 'Triumphant Ecstasy' is the only way to describe it.

Highlights: The best highlight was the wiener episode covered above. But, some cop with a sick mustache gave me a man-nod of 'I like what you're doing'. So, that was alright. 

State of Mind: These runs are fun; I haven't run against the clock since I was 15. It is hands down the best and most exhilarating way to run. I do, however, worry that 22:47 is a super hard time to beat. I've yet to experience the defeat of not shaving some time off. So, we'll have to wait and see if I still am in love with timed runs if and when this occurs.

Rating: P90X