Day 18 (catch-up day): Ab Ripper X, Shoulders and Arms and Yoga X

I was speaking with someone today that did not know me, but had read this thing. It became apparent that some people - considering all they know about me is that I workout and would probably make a great life partner - think that I might actually be a fit person. This is not true - I'm as fit as a person as Paul Bernardo is a good baby-sitter. (But, I'm trying to remedy this, rehab it, just like Paul - maybe, one day he will become a good baby-sitter and I will have abs. Only time will tell). Nevertheless, I am skinny and hopelessly unfit. I could body double for Keith Richards in a new 'Pirates of the Caribbean' movie. The fact I am doing this defies the comprehension of every person that I know including my mom and probably God. If I complete this workout regimen it will most likely disprove determinism. That's a lot of pressure: the ability to end arguably the longest standing and most frustratingly abstract philosophical dilemmas in the history of man. Plus, if, in doing this, I defy the comprehension of God, then this being cannot possibly be God. So, I'd also have that under my belt. All that being said, the most important thing to have under my belt, is abs; beautiful, shiny, clit-boner inducing abs. 

I had to skip thursday's workout so I had to play catch-up today. I spent my day either working out or watching olympic coverage about the upcoming coverage of the olympics. (If the Haiti disaster occured during this week, what do you think would get more press: the plight of an entire nation literally buried under the rubble of their fallen infrastructure or the coverage of the eventual coverage of the actual olympics?).  In any event, today casted any doubts aside that I am not 100% commited to total boby-rippage and mass-level clit-boner induction. Around 10 a.m. I slammed my bagel down sending sesame seeds of ab-ripping hope everywhere. I beared down on Ab Ripper X and made every exercise my little bukkake princess (read: I did most of the exercises perfectly). But, alas, there was one finnicky, stubborn bitch that would not cowtow to my awesome muscular authority: the v-up roll back. You basically do a sit-up with your legs flat on the ground and then as you come back down you bring your straightened legs to about a 45 degree angle. At which point, you crunch up against the downward force and touch your toes without changing the angle of your legs. It's mega-difficult, but not completely utterly insane like the diamond push-up, which would laugh at its inferiority. 

Considering what I'd done to the Ab Ripper Princesses, one might think I'd have nothing left in the tank. Those naysayers would be wrong. I bent over Shoulders and Arms and sprayed it down with determination, heart, grit, muscular perserverance, fortitude, and a little bit of urine. Shoulders and Arms, naturally, made me a sandwich of my choosing afterwards: tuna with perfectly-sized chunks of pickles. 

I let the sandwich settle and digest, I put on a new pair of underwear, and I was upstairs awaiting my third and final session of the day, Yoga X. I'm fairly certain yoga is supposed to be a peaceful, relaxing, and, for some, transcendental workout. P90X is about war, physical and mental stress, and worrying about the future reality of your body. In short, it is the opposite; a yin to yoga's yang. Yoga X reflects this distinction - it is probably the most difficult exercise to do move for move. It will take time to master this routine and any progress will have to be spoon-fed to me. Although, apparently, "there is no spoon", so I don't know where the fuck that leaves me.

Highlights: You stretch muscles and tendons around your hips and pelvis that you did not know were even there. This relaxes everything in that area producing some of the more epic farts known to man. I almost farted for an entire hold-and-freeze position. 

State of Mind: I still have the body-structure of somewhere in between Ellen Degeneres and a 1982 Woody Allen. Although, Ellen is banging Portia De Rossi and Woody pulled George Clooney-like pussy in the 80's. In short, I mentally feel good, but physically appear the same.

Rating: Ab (P85X), S & A (P80X), Yoga (P50X) = P71.66666X