Day 22: Core Synergistics

P90X is a 5 or 6 day-a-week program. On your 'rest' days they expect you to eat well and, you guessed it, rest. I finished my workout on friday with this in mind. Fast forward to 5 am Saturday morning in London: I am double-fisting McDonald's burgers; simultaneously shoving one into my sauce-splattered face while dipping the other in a bowl of McChicken sauce and Hellman's mayonnaise. (So, a bowl of mayo). McDonald's burgers - in this case, a Big Mac and Double Cheeseburger (and, yes, they deserve capitals due to their culinary awesomeness) - are considered by many to be one of the worst things you can eat. Dipping every bite of 'one of the worst things you can eat' in a fat paste we have decided to refer to as "mayonnaise", probably doesn't smack of the decision-making of someone committed to a work-out program. However, this is as far from the truth as possible. How far from the truth Bomber? Well, since you asked, it's as far from the truth as saying Jay Leno is funny, Jean Chretien didn't make Canada look mildly retarded for 8 years, Keanu Reeves has acting range, and that K.D. Lang is hot. (Who would you rather, K.D. Lang or Jean Chretien or the pile of vomit that just shot from your mouth? I'd personally rather fuck the vomit that shot from your mouth than K.D. Lang or Jean Chretien. If the two cared about national security, they'd make a porn tape. Now, that is an effective enhanced interrogation technique. Plus, how entertaining would it be to have Mike Duffy and some conservative debating whether the Chretien-Lang sex tape constitutes torture). 

The  mass beer and mayo intake from the weekend created a big pulsating ball of guilt in my stomach as well as a dying turd baby in my bowels. This guilt has made me more committed; it made me realize how important this thing is to me. It's like when a guy cheats on his girlfriend and buys her a gift. The incredible pang of guilt he feels makes him realize how much he actually cares for this girl and that immediately turns into fear of losing her for various reasons (all circling around the fact he knows he deserves to be dumped). So, to ensure he won't lose her, he buys her a gift.* I bought my body a gift. On Sunday I went to the grocery store and bought every vegetable and fruit I could possibly eat. For Lunch today I ate a salad (the recent Yoga sessions with Millard combined with this, definitely makes me full-gay). I also feel super-guilty and, as a result, I will pay way more attention to my body, listen to it, care for it and pretend its irrational ramblings amount to something sensible. 

Every three weeks the program changes. We had gotten accustomed to the videos, knew what to expect, and could mentally prepare for the tyrannical onslaught of pain. Now, we have no idea what's coming, which, I think, is unfair. Before, a fighter goes into a ring he knows his opponent, his strengths and weaknesses, and generally knows what to expect. Today, we're fighting blind. This 4th week is a recovery week. We weren't sure what that meant, but it led us to believe today's exercise - Core Synergistics - would be an easy victory like the old guy in the first level of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. 

Instead, we got Mike Tyson. Sans face-tattoo Tyson; young, angry, blood-boiling, Terminator-arms Tyson; I wanna eat your babies Tyson. This exercise combined with the weekend, made me feel worse than the time I ate that bucket of expired potato salad. (Yes, Dad, I also thought as long as potato salad was in a sealed bucket it could last for 6 months.) It was, in short, unexpected and painful. (Just like those chicks that don't know their pregnant on TLC. Have you seen that shit? How do you not know you have a growing human in your stomach? I can tell what brand of salsa I've eaten by how it feels in my stomach). 

In any event, it works your whole body with a focus on the core. 60 minutes with two 30-second breaks. And, no, I am not referring to sex with me. It was awful. And, yes, I am referring to sex with me. 

Highlights: Millard hobbling around yelling "my groin, my groin" as I lay face-down, star-fished on the hard-wood floor. (Just like the weekend. Kidding. Seriously, we're not gay).

State of Mind: The weekend guilt has re-focused my commitment. Simple and plain, from Europe to Spain, I am doing this. That is all.

Rating: P64X.

*I am not saying this is a logical move, but neither is drinking 30 beers and dipping greasy cheeseburgers in a bowl of mayo.